Happy (?)

Hello friends. Have been feeling 'good' today for the first time in a couple months. Having gradually tapered off my anti-depressants until I was completely off by December, by mid January I felt like absolute crap. I've said it before and I'll say it again, there is just no way to describe a massive depressive episode, it defies human language. It is a constant gnawing. You stop sleeping, you don't enjoy anything, and in fact nice things almost make you feel worse because the fact that you get no joy from them highlights how awful you feel. I don't know what causes depression, but there is absolutely no way to reason yourself out of it by rational thought, you feel absolutely insane and reel around through your life in a feeling of unreality which is also quite creepy. The most accurate way to describe it (at least in my experience) is like living in a nightmare, it's the same feeling. One thing that has truly amazed me is the mind's capacity for pain. A major depressive episode feels much worse than dying, in fact dying would be a positive relief, I pity the non-believer who finds himself in such a place.

Anyways, thank God for SSRIs. They cost only £3 a month from the NHS (UK social healthcare) and although they seem to take at least a month to start working, when they finally kick in it is magic. Anyways, I wasn't going to write about this because in a way it seems like vulgar self-indulgence and narcissism. But I decided to write about it because maybe one day it will help someone else who is feeling mental. I was struck out of nowhere by a serious panic disorder mixed with major depression when I was 18 and I thought that was it for me. I thought I'd spend the rest of my days in a straight-jacket looking out a window from a rocking chair in a psych ward. Anyways, to my great surprise life has gotten much better, and God has blessed me. I've basically come to accept the fact that I might well be on pills the rest of my life, oh well, if that's the worst thing that happens to me I will consider myself lucky.

There, that's my take on mental illness. It's the crappiest thing I can imagine, but being a Christian helps, and so do meds. Also, it may have been triggered by smoking pot and excessive drinking, which I don't recommend to anyone.

On a much brighter note, I got my last semesters marks and they were all firsts, which really lifted my spirits. Beth did very well on hers too, thank God. I also really enjoyed church on Sunday. I have a truly special group of Christian friends here, I need to post some pictures of them. Now that I have a nifty camera in my phone I will make sure to take more pics. Speaking of which, here are some more pictures I took of Leeds today. Leeds is somewhat interesting for its role as a major centre of industry in the Victorian period. It has many old and beautiful (if perhaps a tad ostentatious) buildings, here's a few of them I snapped today:


Leeds town hall is so massive you can't get it all in one shot, even from across the street. The clock tower on it dominates the city's skyline.





Double decker buses are fun, especially when they whack tree branches overhanging the road and scare the crap out of everyone upstairs.


Leeds city library is also a really nice building with a huge chessboard in front with big chess pieces. I should get Beth to hustle people there and bring us a bit of income. Last year she beat the president of the Leeds University chess club. I've only seen her lose once, to me, and the incident has never been repeated.


The court building in millennium square. They often have concerts and stuff in millennium square, and there's a massive tv screen that's always playing BBC news.