hey dudes

Hi everyone. It's been awhile hasn't it. Well, I just haven't haven't had anything interesting to say. I think another major reason why I haven't been able to bring myself to blog is because I have been lonely and the prospect of blogging has only served to confound that loneliness. What a poor substitute for the company of friends is blogging. No faces, no laughter, no visceral pleasures of any kind. You can't share a meal or a drink over the internet, or a hug or handshake.

I am sick and tired of being deprived of family and friends, and I am tired to death of England sometimes. I really miss home comforts like freedom of movement (in the form of a car and safe neighbourhoods); and especially all you friends and my family. Living an isolated life in another country is quite simply bollocks. My only friends are students and my meetings with them are fleeting and ephemeral, always too short and far too infrequent.

I may end up compounding my misery next year. I've applied to do a masters' degree in London. I don't know if I'll get accepted, I should know by January. If I do get accepted, it will mean an undesirable move to London and the possibility of even greater poverty and squalor. This is a worst case scenario, but it is the default in a lot of ways. It could turn out much better: Beth could get a good paying job, I would hopefully enjoy my studies, and we could maybe afford to come visit our friends and families more often than at present. Either way the future is riddled with uncertainty, which is growing tedious.

Well, there you have it. Life is currently boring and regimented, with few punctuations of excitement or novelty. Although I am enjoying my studies, and am very grateful for the opportunity God has given me. It is not overly difficult right now, for which I must be thankful, however it is not really fulfilling - my cup is not brimming over. Thank the Lord though for passing moments of happiness and distraction which do still occur.

I try to get perspective by thinking of this time as an interregnum between the carefree years of adolescence and whatever the hell comes after university. The problem is that I harbour two conflicting desires: I want to continue my studies which I find so rewarding in some ways, but I also want to have freedom and resources to spend much, much more time with family and friends. Doing stuff I dearly miss like snowboarding and going on road trips, etc. Crunching through the snow with my dog, and all that kind of thing. I feel alienated from my real desires.

Well, if it has not been made apparent enough, I miss you all my friends and family. I don't know if I'll blog again for a while. Maybe this post will mark an upturn though in my blogging habits and I will blog more, however I am inclined to doubt it.

God bless you all.