USA is so gay *WARNING - RANT ALERT!!! SOME READERS MAY BE OFFENDED.

Well, I think it's finally time. We've all known it for a while now, it's been on everyone's mind for ages. I'm talking about the United States. It's full of a lot of really nice people and we all have many friends there, but it's time to disband the United States of America. The majority of the planet rightly sees this country as the planet's most serious threat to peace and international stability. Case in point, besides all sorts of hints and allegations regarding new governments in South America and their 'revolutionary' ideas (even if it does turn out to be empty rhetoric) about using their oil wealth to help their own citizens instead of US shareholders, some numb-nuts video game company has just released a new game ('mercenaries:II') based on the not-at-all farfetched scenario of a US invasion of Venezuela.

Perhaps it would not have caused such a stir if the game had come out of a less bellicose country, and if Pat Robertson, the leader of America's biggest lobbying group - the Christian Coalition - had not been recently heard on national christian radio calling for the assassination of Venezuela's democratically elected president (wanker!!). I'm sure, for instance, that residents of Nicaragua would fail to see the innocence of such a game (seeing as their population still hasn't regained its pre-Reagan levels after he punished them for electing the wrong government).

Anyways, because everytime I read the news I get P.O.'d, and I'm totally sick of it- because hating the USA is cliched and facile (yet I still can't help it), I've decided that the simplest thing to do is just break the country up into its fifty component states (Hawaii will become independent, and Alaska will join Canada as it will make our map nicer; the territories stolen from Mexico will be returned, thus solving any so-called 'immigration' problems).

Like I said, anti-Americanism is stupid (although understandble if you have been or are currently being invaded or are facing the prospect of invasion). However, since I find it so difficult to overcome these feelings, I feel it will be easier to disband the country in question, thus eliminating the possibility of feeling 'anti' it.

The easiest way to put my plan into action would probably be (to take a well-read page from the CIA's protocol book) to arm a group of religious fanatics so they can overthrow the government and impose a state of general chaos a-la-Afghanistan. (The prime candidates would likely be Christian fundementalists of the Pat Robertson variety who would jump at the chance to begin stoning homosexuals and bombing abortion clinics with the aim of a return to the dark ages. Heliocentric astronomy would be banned, to say nothing of evolutionary theory or other subversive sciences.)

Well, I think I've worn myself out....seriously though....I need to find a newspaper that will just tell me that everything is okay. I think they sell USA Today at the train station...d'oh!! there I go again!

With a view to equality I should mention that if the USA is to be disbanded then its only fair that all other countries disband as well, which is fine by me and will prevent any further immigration difficulties to myself and numerous others. However, many (if not all) will not share my eccentric anarchist's point of view as this will make international hockey tournaments less exciting (although in light of Canada's recent performance at the Turin Olympics it may be an attractive idea after all!)

P.S. My good wife has rightly pointed out that, myself being an anarchist, I shouldn't use the word 'anarchy' in its pejorative sense "...general anarchy a-la-Afghanistan...". I have therefore replaced it with the word 'chaos', so as not to defeat my own cause.

Update

Hi. Thought I might as well update the ol' blog, these things don't look after themselves now, do they? Well, let's see...on Wednesday morning when I woke up I was greeted with the news that Apple has just discontinued my laptop and replaced it with one about 10 times better. D'oh!!! I put mine back in its box and went to the store where I bought it: "I would like a refund please." Long story short they told me to get out before they released the hounds. Now I know that computers are known for becoming so quickly obsolete, but dang man! I have my new shiny machine for nine days and then suddenly 'BAM', Apple turfs it and I'm back to being the caveman I was 10 days ago. I feel like Charlie Brown, "good grief".

Oh well, I'm back to enjoying my shiny obsolete laptop and Apple can just take their new stuff and sell it to someone else. After the episode at Apple I met up with Ben and we once again had a couple beers and smoked cuban cigars. You may be thinking I am a bit samey, but I invite you to come to Leeds and find a better way to distract yourself (an interesting side note, I read recently in the Guardian that individuals who study in Leeds are more likely than anyone else in the UK to become 'goths'). Anyhoo, I went home, had a kip (ie. nap) on the couch, and was off again with my friend Tom to see this comedian called Dylan Moran. We had some pasta and then went to the Leeds City Varieties, which is where said comedian was doing his bit. He was an Irish guy and he spoke in a way that reminded me of Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons. He was actually quite funny, which is rare among comedians, at least the ones I've seen. Apparently Dylan Moran is quite famous and was in the movie Shaun of the Dead, if that movie even made it over the pond to N. America.

I've also been trying to find a job, however Leeds basically consists of call centres and fast food kiosks so finding something new is proving tricky. The task has been made all the more difficult by the wave of depression that has rolled in these past few weeks. May is always a hard month for me (I have no idea why) and as I have cut the dose of my prescription by over two-thirds since last May, I have not been suprised at the "black dog's" sudden appearance or its decision to stay and hang out for a while. "Good boy, sit...stay."

Fortunately I have a wonderful wife and enjoy a life of relative comfort and affluence compared to the majority of the planet's residents, or so I have been told. I play tennis, read, and have discovered an internet jazz station that is pretty good, besides playing the occasional song that is completely insane (in the song which just played a guy shouted "Pyramids!! Pyramids!!" While his band tried in vain to tune their instruments or empty their spit-valves or something). One thing that I do (I imagine most people with less-than-optimal mental health do this as well) is think about other historical figures who were/are depressed. "Hemingway was depressed! Maybe that's why he was so cool!" (although I am patently not Hemingway, and he killed himself - hmmm...someone more encouraging perhaps.)

Well, on that melancholy note, adios! Don't worry though, I'm in good hands.

hi

Hello again. Not much to report I'm afraid but that seems to be the way of things for most people right now. I did indeed go and have a few beers on Friday after handing in the last assignment, a beer which was complimented nicely by the Cuban cigars my friend Ben brought along. Went to my favorite pub last night too with Beth and we read together. It is a super pub because it has the best hand-pumped ales in Leeds and there's no smoking or students (besides us). It is all nice hardwoods and there's old hippies and Yorkshiremen who bring their dogs which sleep at their feet while they do the crossword. It has been a Sunday night ritual for a year or so now (after 2.50£ pizza at gangster's little bistro) and yeah, it's fun.

Anyways, I have nothing worthy of writing to mention really, but I will be coming to Calgary in the first week of august and will have a party with punch and pie. Or something. I better stop now before anyone gets too bored.

Bye!

Hello!

Hi everybody. I am officially back from the dead. For the last 4+ weeks I've been manically putting together my coursework for assessment: seven pieces, 18 thousand or so words, 5 of which are due today (one was due Wednesday, and one a couple weeks ago). Throughout it all I have crossed over the brink of insanity many times. My previous laptop is no longer with us (well, it is, but it is basically a vegetable), and I am now on a nice new computer that works. These computer problems were only resolved within the last few days though and added considerable stress to an already stressful past few weeks.

In a couple hours I will go drop a stack of assignments, 5 months intense effort on paper, and then probably wander around feeling aimless and disoriented, at which point I will see who else has made it to the Union bar and have a beer or two.

I think it will take a few days now to get my life back. I don't remember what it is like to think about things other than theoretical academic problems. I will also have to learn to get to sleep before 3am.

Anyways, I will probably use this blog to chart my return to normality and (possibly) sanity. I'll tell you one thing though, I'm liking this new apple computer, mac os really kicks windows butt. I think my favorite part is that it works (for now at least, fingers crossed).

I'm looking forward to getting back in touch with all my friends (you guys) and reading all your blogs, which I haven't been able to do for a while now.

God bless.

Drew